I have not written in awhile and I apologize for that. So much has been going on and my business is growing at a rapid rate. Shame and perfectionism has been a major topic with a lot of my clients. So instead of telling EACH client about shame, i will reference some work here.
Brene Brown, my ultimate ideal, has a worksheet on recognizing shame. It has been truly helpful with a lot of my clients and I have included it here.
Remember, everyone has shame. The key is to recognize it when you experience it and work through the emotion. It's also important to know who in your life brings up more shame for you and who is a support for you. Obviously, it's not this simple but it's a start.
Shame Triggers, Vulnerabilities and Tendencies
Pick a category: work, family, parenting, body, etc.
3-5 Ideal Identities 3-5 Unwanted Identities
I want to be perceived as: I don’t want to be perceived as:
For the unwanted identities, answer the following questions
1. What do these perceptions mean to us?
2. Why are they so unwanted?
3. Where did the messages that fuel these identities come from?
4. What would people misunderstand about you if they thought that you were that identity? “If you label me as _____, you will miss the opportunity to know that I have many strengths, including…”
Strategies of Disconnection
When shame happens, we could:
MOVE AWAY – withdraw, silence ourselves, keep secrets
MOVE TOWARD – people please, appease others
MOVE AGAINST – try to gain power over others, use shame, aggression, anger and blame
When and Who do you use these strategies with?
We are wired for connection. It’s in our biology. As infants, our need for connection is about survival. As we grow older, connection means thriving – emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually. Connection is critical because we all have the basic need to feel accepted and to believe we belong and are valued for who we are.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
- Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW
Trusting your intuition